Monday, November 11, 2013

Learning to love me

Its about to get deep up in here ya'll.

So, one day I tried on an outfit and came out and said "how do I look?" Before Rob could get a word out, our 4.5 year old says "you have a fat belly" and smiles, rubbing my stomach.

Terrible story.

Before you start hating on my 4.5 year old, and advising me about therapy and military academies, let me just tell you who you can blame for him saying that.

Muah. Me. Sara Self Hater. Batman and Spiderman and Super Why and Team Umi Zoomi don't tell each other they have fat bellies. Kids at school talk about farts and poop and nose picking to get in trouble, they don't randomly come up with "fat belly." Words like skinny and fat, ugly and such are taught by haters. Ry-bear is so young and unknowing that he thought he was saying something nice to me. He was smiling and happy with his "compliment." He got those very words out of my mouth. Because I've said them. A lot. I was the hater.

We are living in a world full of bullying and name calling and prejudice and my biggest bully is myself. Children learn hate from the house. Max, at 3, still hasn't noticed the color of another kid's skin. Rylan once ran at the owner of our favorite sushi place and hugged him so hard that he almost knocked him over.   That business is taught at home.  I'm not going to get into political business, but I seriously want the world to love each other no matter what race, gender, ethnicity, or sexual orientation one might have. Sooooooo.....why don't I love myself like that?

I'm trying. I really am.  Self doubt is a naughty thing. It happens as a mother, as a nurse, as a homemaker, as a human living in the very short, voluptous body with giant feet. (seriously, I'm 5'1, wear a DDD bra and size 9.5 shoe! That ain't right! Maybe my large feet are the only thing keeping my boobs from completely knocking me over).

For some reason, my first step to trying was buy myself some clothes. Stacy and Clinton from What Not To Wear always told people in my position to not wait to buy clothes for your future skinnier self. They wanted the women to "dress the body you have now and if you do it correctly, you'll lose weight without even shedding a pound." So, I've done that. I saw a girl around my size wearing skinny jeans and boots, something that I once thought impossible for a gal like me. I bought some and I likey. I'm still working on the "look" but I'm working on it.

Another thing I've done is SHUT UP about needing to eat right and work out and I've simply DONE IT! I worked out four days last week and cleaned my house for several hours one day of the weekend and did a three hour case when I got called in to work on Saturday that required standing and moving that whole time, followed by a trip to the museum with my boys. Working out and simply MOVING were a high priority. And may I say we had such a better week?

I've dropped the negative self talk. When I went to MOPS conference last month, I went to a session where they challenged us to name 5 things we liked about ourselves. Things like that are hard for me, but in several aspects of my life, I do this: embrace the positive not the negative. Its time to do that for myself. And really for my kids. I have never dogged my kids, especially their appearance, but you'd be surprised what a random "you are such a funny kid, thank you for making me laugh" will do for your child. Or "I love you green eyes, they make you so handsome." Boys need positive affirmation too. These things are forgotten. And I need to find positives about myself that involve my physical and also my non-physical.

Okay, I'm done with the deep. I'll be posting pics of my kids acting like looney bins and me on my way to reduce this muffin top soon.

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